I was furious at our God. I felt lost in our Church. I was completely confused by life itself.
Every single Catholic school that I attended as a child felt like a sea of angels that my sinful-self could never find belonging in. Every single day was lived in constant fear that somebody, anybody, might discover my dirty little secret. Every single night I prayed that I would be spared from the hellfire destined for me, even if that meant merely waking up for the next morning.
I hated myself for experiencing these same-sex attractions that I did not understand nor choose. I hated my Church for making me feel so lost and filthy. I hated my Creator for putting such burden upon His innocent son.
These wounds cut so deeply into my young soul. The enemy broke me apart from an early age, carefully escorting me further and further down a path of self-destruction. By the time I had reached my senior year in high school the devil had his tight grip on my life, though God never let my trembling heart out of His hands.
Towards the end of high school and into my college beginnings, I looked for my happiness in the party scene. However, no matter what stranger I danced the night away with or how many bottles I decided to chug, the happiness was only a fleeting high.
I looked for acceptance within the LGBT community, trying to finally find my place after so many years spent sitting in the church pews alone. However, no matter how many rainbow-flags I waved or how many “queens” knew my name, I still felt oddly alone at the end of my days.
I looked for love in the arms of other men, seeking to feel the same love that everybody else in Church was constantly boasting about. However, no matter the variety of men I decided to pursue or how strongly I pursued them, none of them were ever able to completely satisfy my thirsty heart.
I had abandoned everything I knew. I had abandoned myself. I had abandoned my God.
But, being the good and loyal Father that He is, God never abandoned me. Even after the long Sundays I spent dreading Holy Mass, He still gladly opened His house to me. Even after the many nights I spent cursing Him on my knees, He still listened and forgave me. Even after the many mortal men I tried to replace Him with, He still called me His beloved.
So now here I am.
I am at rest in Mother Church who always wanted me in Her gracious arms. I am set free by Her teachings on homosexuality and our beautiful call to chastity with Christ. I am finally deep in love with my Lord who never stopped loving me from the start. I have now given myself entirely to Him; body, heart, mind and soul.
Surviving in the culture and society that we do today, many do not understand and are even confused by my testimony and the life that I live now. Why am I abandoning such a major part of myself and denying who I am? The answer is quite simple; I am not. In fact, I am doing quite the opposite of that. I have set myself free because I am now truly living my life authentically, embracing my ultimate identity as a faithful child of Our Father. My identity is no longer ruled by my mere human attractions. My identity rests in the awesome love and unlimited mercies of my God. I am wholly His and He is wholly mine.
The life I once lived has been put to death and I have been raised into His immense glory. Yes, I still am physically attracted to men. No, I may never be rid of these fleshly human desires. However, each day is now a wonderful opportunity to unite myself with Christ’s glorious sacrifices for me in my own daily sacrifice. I am genuinely so grateful for my same-sex attractions, as they have only pushed me to fall harder and evermore vulnerably at my Lord’s most holy feet. My soul has never been closer to my Creator than now and I truly would not turn back around for anything else that this world has to promise me.
This is my personal journey thriving as a faithful Catholic who experiences same-sex attractions and oh, my sweet Jesus, what a beautiful cross it truly is.