Just Jesus and I

“I'm just sad for you”, I’m often told in regards to my commitment towards lifelong chastity, “that you'll never be married or have anything like that”.

While concerns like these for my future well-being are completely understandable, I more than often find them to be ironic and lacking. Do such statements imply that I will only find fulfillment in this earthly life within a marriage or union with another person? Whether it be with a man or a woman, what would a marriage offer me that I wouldn't be able to find anywhere else?

As stated in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, “Man and woman were made for each other - not that God left them half-made and incomplete: He created them to be a communion of persons, in which each can be helpmate to the other” (CCC. 372). Therefore, the sacrament of Holy Matrimony was never intended to “complete” a person in the first place, as God intricately designs each individual person completely and perfectly in His image. Rather, the bond of a marriage between a male and a female is a union of two whole persons joining together as one to reflect God's awesome love in creation. Together in this life, the man and his wife join hearts and hands to “be helpmate” to each other and with Christ towards their ultimate goal of eternal glory with Him in the life to come.

With all of this laid out, what then is the hope for individuals like myself walking singularly on this path towards Him? Well, quite frankly, our hope is beautifully exactly that; being invited to walk singularly on this path towards Him.

Besides loved ones and dear friends along the way, there is nobody else standing in that intimate space held solely between us mortal men and our eternal God. While a man and his wife are called to journey together towards our Lord, I have been called directly by name to come forth to Him on my own. The prince of Heaven, the King of kings, wants to walk directly with me and no one else.

This can indeed be a very frightening vocation, but it is also a most honorable one to bravely answer to. “They (homosexually inclined persons) can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection (when in pursuit of self-mastery through chastity)” (CCC. 2359). These promising words of the Catechism spark such flames of anticipation within my soul, often overshadowing any occasional doubts or anxieties that come upon my weak flesh. How am I even worthy of such a personal opportunity of sanctification with my Lord?

I continuously find my eyes fixed on so many of our beloved priests, nuns, consecrated, and great saints of the Church; how genuinely joyful and full of pure grace they each were and still are. They do not marry or engage in any matrimonial union with another person, so why then are they often much more fulfilled than many if not most of us? This elevated state of life they experience is because they awake every morning and rest every night fully submerged in the wonders of our Lord and His most sacred heart, nowhere else and with nobody else. It isn't to say that persons within a marriage cannot experience such awesome love of God, as His love is limitless in possibilities to receive. However, it is in the full commitment of one’s own self (body, heart, mind and soul) that a completely new dimension of His heart is able to be further explored.

Experiencing same-sex attractions as I do, the definite call to such intense intimacy with our Lord makes all sense to me; Christ wants no other man to take His rightful place in my heart and this specific vocation of mine assures exactly that.

Naturally, being a mere human being living in the often discouraging society that we do today, I do sometimes ponder on what my future will be like without ever making the standard marriage vows on an altar. However, the Lord is then quick to remind me that I am already a wonderfully completed person in Him which no other vows or covenants can undermine. Christ constantly assures me that I am His most beloved and no one else’s. He promises me that I have been led towards an extra-special journey with Him that not all are capable of pursuing. Just as I may not ever completely understand or fully experience what those called to engage in marriage do, they also may never be able to fully understand or experience what I do in my own vocation with Christ. The sacrament of Holy Matrimony is simply God’s specific purpose for them and the grace of lifelong celibacy is simply His specific purpose for me.

Every single day is another spectacular chance to fall at His feet, to weep on His shoulder, to dance in His arms and to hang on His cross. Every single beat of my heart is another beat that He can carefully orchestrate into the love song of our life together. Every single step on my march towards Heaven is a most beautiful one, as each one is taken jointly by just Jesus and I.